'I am a cisgender gay Asian guy who grew up in a Korean household with a western education.'
It is really hard to write an introduction for a friend of mine as precious as Daniel. So I resort to facts: because Dan studies design and architecture, wherever I go with him, he makes me pause and admire details of a building I would not have noticed had it not been for his insistence that we pay tribute to that *and please imagine Dan pointing to an infinitesimal feature on the ceiling* "brilliant architectural choice." There is a poem which comes to my mind when I picture my friendship with Dan: 'Having a Coke with You' by Frank O'Hara. But I have to admit, our version would eighty-six the coke and replace it with coffee: 'Having a cup of coffee with you is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne [...].' I loved having this conversation about identity and labels with Dan, and I truly hope you enjoy and learn from it, too!
Can you tell me where you grew up? Which nations do you identify with?
“I grew up in South Korea for the majority of my life and I identify primarily as a Korean, even though I am a citizen of the United States and plan on living in the U.S. for the rest of my life. I think I verbally identify as a Korean, but internally as an American if that makes any sense. I would say I am Korean to anyone who asks me but I am culturally more American and more comfortable being American than I am being Korean. I just end up saying that I am Korean, though, because it’s just easier. I’ve lived in Korea for 12 or 13 years of my life.”
What do you usually say when someone asks you where you’re from? Does it depend on where you are?
“When I get asked where I am from, I start with ‘Korea,’ which leads to the question, ‘how are you so fluent in English?’ at which point I give them the whole spiel" ‘I was born in Michigan while my dad was getting his Phd and then we moved to Korea when I was 3 years old and attended an English-speaking kindergarten, I then moved to Austin, Texas for 1st and 2nd grade, and then we finally moved back to Korea, where I attended international school.'”
Which country is 'home' to you currently and why?
“For me, home is currently Pittsburgh in America. I spent the last three years here working and attending school. In my Korean house, no one is home. My dad is in Chile for his sabbatical and my brother is off in college, too, and he’s currently doing some summer program. So, Pittsburgh is in some ways a lot more home-y.”
What do people find most surprising about you?
“I think the way I speak is deceiving. People in America always do a double take when they find out I am from Korea. They think I am from New York or Chicago, but then I say ‘Korea,’ and they are confused because they were expecting a much different answer. I think it’s my accent. I speak fluent American-English, without a particular accent. You know what I mean? Other than that, in Korea, people are shocked to find out that I am gay.”
What roles do labels play in your life?
“As bad as it sounds, labels are a huge part of my life. It sounds terrible but it helps me sort myself out. I know labels have this stigma and all, but for me, they are a means of self-acceptance. For example, I am a cisgender gay Asian guy who grew up in a Korean household with western education. And not going to lie, growing up, I definitely had an internalized homophobia and growing up with devout Christian grandparents and going to a conservative Christian international school probably didn’t help with that either. That kind of made me think Korean and Western people both weren't going to accept me. But the real issue was that I hadn’t accepted myself. Now, I verbalize my labels to understand my reality and who I am, in the same way that other people might verbalize goals to nudge it into reality. For example, sometimes before I go to sleep, I do self-affirmations and say to myself ‘Daniel, you are awesome. I am gay, and that’s awesome.’ It’s like a mental check, you know.”
At which point did you feel comfortable in your identity?
“Self-acceptance only came to me in college. In high school, I was in a TCK bubble and I kind of went with it. I would be Korean at home, Korean-American at school, and I’d be American when I couldn’t speak Korean well enough on the streets. I picked and chose my identities all the time. Cliques existed in school, too, which kind of voluntarily segregated the school by cultures and ethnicities. In college, though, at Carnegie Mellon, people were more generally accepting and understanding. It probably helps that Pittsburgh specifically is a liberal place and my school is, too. And I accepted my cultural identity in the last year or so. I accepted my sexual identity last year when I didn’t feel the need to come out to people any more. It’s just who I am, I don’t need to tell people.
The cultural acceptance happened through my ex-boyfriend. We were watching this Korean Netflix show ‘Kingdom,’ and he asked me about Korean history and I couldn’t answer them confidently. I felt so embarrassed. That’s when it hit me that I’m not fully Korean nor American. I’m somewhere in between. And I comforted myself by acknowledging that I only had options of learning American and European history at school and not Korean history. It wasn’t my fault that I didn’t know it. It’s just part of who I am; my upbringing had a mix of both cultures and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m comfortable in the ‘in between,’ now.”
What has been the most difficult thing about being a third culture kid?
“I think the most difficult part is honestly just relating to the rest of my family. It is very difficult, especially because I am not 100% fluent in the language they speak. And the way they were brought up is so culturally different from the way I was brought up. There will be moments where I’d be fascinated by their stories but I can’t relate to them at all. There was a recent Korean movie about a Korean historical event, and my grandfather remembered the event completely and expressed sadness. I couldn’t feel that sadness because I knew almost nothing about it. It’s just the language barrier combined with a cultural barrier that makes fluid conversation difficult.”
What TCK quirks do you have?
“All the instinctual verbalizations are in Korean. For example, if I touch something too cold or hot I say, ‘Ah choo wuh!’ and ‘Ah ddeo guh!’ even though I am much more fluent in English.”
What advice do you have for other TCKs?
“Be yourself and be happy. Being a TCK helped me assimilate quickly in any given environment because I could easily relate to them, even though we are from different places.”
Thank you, Daniel, for this wonderful interview. 07.29.19
Interview from Pittsburgh. Parts of this interview have been edited for clarity and/or as points of correction from the interviewee.
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