Zoey Ryu

Jul 30, 20198 min read

Gemma Sykes

Updated: Aug 25, 2019

'I hold British and Malaysian passports but I've never lived in either of those places. People are surprised to find out that I'm not American.'

Gemma is infectiously effervescent. Her invariably smiling eyes, affirmative nods, and captivating laughter make all those who are in her presence become instantly enamored of her. But when I get past her external charm, I find myself drawn to her sincerity. For one, it is clear to me that her inquisitiveness stems from a genuine love of and interest in people. I am grateful to get to know her through this interview and I know you'll feel so, too.

Where did you grow up? Which cultures do you identify with?

"I’ve basically moved around my whole life. I was born in Malaysia, which is where my mom is from. My dad is British. I’ve lived in Bangkok, Thailand for a few years and then I lived in Michigan, USA. After that I moved to Singapore with my family and then I was in Tokyo, Japan. Then I lived in Shanghai for five years, which is the longest time I’ve ever spent in one place. I was in Shanghai until I went to college.

In terms of cultures I associate myself with, it’s kind of weird because even though I am technically a British and Malaysian duel citizen, I don’t particularly resonate with either culture, just because I didn’t grow up in either of those places. And even my parents have moved around a lot themselves; neither of them has lived in their respective home countries for almost 20 years or so now. I think I have adopted American culture as my own, because I have always attended American schools and a lot of my friends were Americans growing up. But I was influenced by the different places I’ve lived in. So I don’t think there is a specific culture from a specific country that I identify with, but I think I associate myself with an American-based culture, with influences from various places I’ve lived and from the people I’ve met."

Which country is ‘home’ to you currently?

"Currently, I’d say my home is in the U.S., in Chicago, mostly because my parents live there at the moment. Every time I go home, it feels kind of weird because it doesn’t feel like I’m going somewhere that I am super familiar with; it’s more so traveling to wherever my parents are to spend time with them and my brother.

Since I have been going back to Chicago for most breaks, now that I’ve been in college, it is starting to feel more like home, especially as I get to know the area more and since that’s where my room is. But I wouldn’t really tell people that I’m from ‘Chicago,’ just because I didn’t actually grow up there and so I almost feel like I don’t have the right to say that Chicago is my home or that it’s where I am from. So a lot of the times when people ask me where my home is, I just say that my parents live there. Though it is feeling more and more like home, I do think it’s different from the experience of someone who has lived there their entire lives and is going back to see their friends."

How do you answer the question: “Where are you from?” Does it depend on where you are?

"Yes, it definitely depends on where I am and also on who I am speaking to. I think it’s kind of complicated to try and explain my background, so if I am speaking to someone I know I will never see again, I’ll probably say that I am from Chicago. It’s so much easier than saying that I am half-Malaysian and half-British and that I’ve lived in different countries. Also, if I just say that I am from Shanghai, they start to compliment my English skills and I just don’t want to deal with any of that. So I resort to saying that I am from Chicago.

But if I know that I will see that person again or if I know that I will speak to them for longer, I won’t say that I’m from Chicago, because they might start asking a lot of questions about Chicago that I might not be able to answer. And they will find out that I’m a phony. *laughter* So, it depends.

A lot of the times when people ask me where I am from, rather than saying where I am from in terms of a place that I feel as though is my home, I will say that my dad is British and that my mom is Malaysian and I guess just leave it up to them to decide what that information makes me."

How do you explain your identity in college?

"It’s difficult. Especially coming in as a freshman, I would say that I am from Shanghai and that I’m half-British and half-Malaysian and that I moved around a little, but I wouldn’t really elaborate on the places I’ve lived in, just because I don’t want to sound like I am bragging or boasting about all the places I’ve lived in; I know I am super lucky to have done that and I don’t want to sound entitled.

But it’s just kind of weird because I have to suppress parts of my background often because I don’t want to seem like I am saying that I’m really special because of my experiences. So I keep it to where I’ve spent the most time and the citizenships that I hold."

Do people ever deny you your identity?

“Because I don’t look fully Chinese-Malaysian, people in Asia view me more as a caucasian. And they definitely treat me differently. At CMC, too, I’ve had experiences where people would say ‘You’re my Asian friend,’ or ‘I’m always friends with small Asian girls like you,’ and while that may be true, it kind of irks me that they identify you with one whole race and kind of put you in that box and only identify you as one aspect of who you are.

This was one big thing I noticed coming into an American college, after going to an international school my whole life, where people come from so many different backgrounds, languages, and nationalities. I feel like that was never an issue at international schools. Regardless of what race you are, people would never be like ‘Wow you’re English is so good,’ especially after saying that you’re from an English speaking country. Whereas at CMC, though there is a decent amount of diversity and I really do love going there, freshman year I felt that there weren’t many people who could understand my background and the environment felt so American. It felt weird being around people who have only ever lived in the U.S. or especially those who’ve only lived in California. They had never encountered a person like me who came from multiple countries."

Even when I tell people where I am from, I often say that 'I am from Shanghai, but my parents are from these other places' and it kind of feels like I have to validate their expectations by saying ‘but’ instead of saying ‘and,’ as in ‘I grew up here and I’m from these places.’ I have to say ‘but’ and some other statement to give them an explanation to abate their confusion.

What are the downsides and benefits of being a TCK?

"I’ll start with the downsides, which is having to uproot yourself all the time and needing to make friends and meeting people constantly. This was definitely harder when I was younger but now I realize that this was really beneficial in terms of learning to put myself out there and becoming more outgoing and connecting with people from different backgrounds. When meeting new people, it’s not about just being likable or fun, it’s more about really trying to understand their perspectives and really listening to them — this has given me a huge interest in learning about different people’s backgrounds and cultures rather than thinking that my own is the best and that I don’t need to hear about other people’s stories.

But another huge downside, of course, is not having a sense of home. Even now, while I say there are so many positives to being third culture, I wish there was a much simpler answer to the question, ‘Where are you from?’ Even now, I have my routine down where I say 'I’m from Shanghai but I’m Malaysian and British,' it would be so much easier to say that I’m from Chicago and actually be from there. I think this is something that will always be on my mind. The positives definitely outweigh the negatives, though. My favorite part is that even though it’s hard to say good bye to friends, once you move or once they move, people just scatter all over the world and so when you do go to another city, you always have some connection to it whether if it’s through a friend or through a mutual friend. It’s exciting; it opens up the world. It really shows you how small the world is. TCKs are also very open-minded and don’t really come into conversation with a lot of preconceived notions about who you are and who you should be, because they share the same struggles as you in terms of identity."

How does being TCK inform the decisions you make?

"Again, I am less eager to tell people everything about my background. I don’t really start out by telling people all of the places I’ve lived in. Not because I am ashamed of being a TCK at all, if anything I am proud and happy to be one, but because I don’t want to stand out so much in terms of being that one person who moved around so much. One person told me a couple of years ago that when you share your entire cultural background, sometimes people might think that you are bragging about it. So I’ve always been afraid of that. Usually it’s only when we become closer friends that my friends slowly find out all of these things about me, so this is probably why so many people at CMC are surprised that I am not American, because they don’t know my full story."

What are some fun quirks you have because of your third culture background?

"I don’t know if this counts as ‘fun’ but I only learned how to drive last year and I am the first of my friends from high school to learn how to drive. So when I told my high school friends that I got my license, they were so proud and in awe, whereas all my friends in college were like, ‘Gemma, you don’t know how to drive?’ Most of my friends from high school still have no idea how to drive and they say ‘Oh my god, you know how to drive? That’s crazy!!!’ which I think is kind of funny because I’m twenty years old. Another thing is, I don’t understand fahrenheit. Oh, and I can read Japanese but I couldn't tell you what it means."

Advice for other TCKs?

"Unlike what someone told me when they said that explaining your background might make you sound like you are bragging, I think you can’t help that. I wouldn’t view your background as something you should be worried about making you seem boastful. For me, at certain times, I’ve had to deny myself my own identity because I didn’t want to stand out or seem like I was trying to make myself seem special. So I want to tell other people to be proud of their background. Even though it can be tedious and annoying to say you’re from this place but you moved here and your parents are from here and so forth, if you want to tell people about your background, do it, and don’t restrict yourself because of what you think other people will think of you."